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Balls of Steel Episode 8: Merge Or Purge?
“Last time on Balls of Steel….. You know what, fuck it! This episode is so epic we don’t have room for a review. All you need to know about last episode is that shit happened and GO got voted out. What could possibly happen tonight? Found out right now on Balls of Steel!” (Intro plays) (Team Boi- Day 22) Meta: Guys, we got a message in a bottle. Heo: What does it say? Grass: Maybe it’s a restraining order from all of those chicks you met on Omegle, eh? Heo: >.> Meta: *takes note out and reads it out loud* Congratulations, you have made it to the Final 8, which can only mean one thing: MERGE! Be sure to pack all your stuff and meet up at the specified location on your map. Dark: Woohoo! Grass: We did it guys. And honestly I couldn’t have made it work better with any other three peeps. Heo: I say we celebrate. Dark: K. (Team Boi celebrate by having an orgy) ---- (Merge Camp- Day 22) (The members of both Team Ally and Team Boi meet up at the new merge beach, as a collection of wrestling merchandise and Survivor BUFF’s are seen laying on the ground) Fiz: RJ would be proud. Toast: Well atleast they didn’t leave out any- what the! *notices a box of Blueberry flavored Pop-Tarts* They shall go to Toaster Hell for this! Ally: Like, yay, we merged! Is that a good thing? Heo: Oh trust me, its a good thing alright ;) Ally: Oh, uh, hello there creepy Mexican guy. Heo: H-Hello there, Aaliyah… *drools* Ally: Wait, how do you know my full first name? Like, ew, get away from me! *runs away* Heo: ._. Grass: Smh. Meta: So like, what do we do now? Fiz: We build a shelter, duh. Meta: You don’t have to be so hammy about it. Fiz: Sorry, but it’s not too hard to be smarter than JRO. Meta: True. Grass: What I wanna know is: Where the Hell is Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns? Heo: Probably busy getting destroyed by Brock Lesnar in Suplex City, bitch! Fiz: OMFG Heo watch your mouth! Dark: Yeah Heo, you sinner. Heo: Yeah, well, uh…. You’re a squigga! Dark: No u. Heo: U. Dark: HEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *bans Heo* Grass: Yeah, Dark. About that… Heo: *swims back to shore* We have decided as a staff team to demote you to moderator. Dark: D’Oh! Toast: It okay, Dark. Heo and Grass make me their house bitch too. Together, we can run the sweatshop for socks. Dark: Ok. (The Final 8 competitors stay up, partying, sexting, getting drunk/high, and destroying Pop-Tarts. Until the next day, they start to wonder when the real individual competition begins) (Merge Camp- Day 23) Meta: Man, I am stoked. Well, I WAS stoked, now I’m bloked yo! Grass: You aren’t kidding, and where tf is Dean!? Fiz: Isn’t Dean that pedophile OC that we used to make fun of Grass? Heo: Nah, this guy is a wrestler. The real life version of the pedo OC is Grass himself. Fiz: Wait so you mean to tell me that this whole time the host of the show was a WWE wrestler guy? Dark: Yep. Fiz: WTF that is so gay and stupid jfc not even RJ compare TD to Survivor that much I’m gonna tell Rocky how stupid he is like wtf. Grass: Excuse me, Heo? Who you calling a pedo, Spic? Heo: Uh… you *trollface* Chip: Well no offense Grass, but you kinda do act like a pedophile sometimes it’s quite scary. Toast: HOLY SHIT Chip where da fuq do you come from, you had a whole day to say something. Chip: Um, I been here the whole time, thank you very much. >-> Toast: Well next episode don’t be such a faggot and don’t wait a whole day just to talk, ok? Grass: Ya know Heo, keep it up with the pedo jokes. Cus one day I’ll still be on this island and you won’t. Then I’ll be the one who’s laughing. Heo: Mhm, sure Juan. ---- Grass: *In Confessional* You know, as much as I would love to bring Heo to the Final 2 with me, it would never be such a bad idea to vote his ass out when he least expects it. Just to see that giant ego of his shatter would be worth it alone. Meta: *In Confessional* Hopefully us four Team Boi members stick together and take out one of the Hams. If this first vote goes our way then we can have a Ham-free season and we’ll be in control. But who would we target first? Fiz: *In Confessional* Now that I made it to merge, I shall avenge RJ’s elimination and represent #Survivor. Toast: *In Confessional, burning a pile of Pop-Tarts boxes* Go back to where ye came from! ---- Dark: Guys, I think I see something. Ally: Who? The nerdy looking Mexican guy? Thats just Heo. Dark: No, behind Heo. (The contestants notice a Jeep riding towards them) Chip: Well it’s about time! Meta: Uh, guys, I don’t think that’s Dean Ambrose….. Grass: Whoever it is, they look like a fuq boi. (The Jeep stops in front of the contestants, both the driver and passenger look familiar, as they hop out wearing Australian hunting gear) Driver: Slay! Fiz: Aqua? Aqua: That’s right, its me! And please welcome your new host with the most: Chwiis! Chwiis: Ello, mates! Contestants: …… Chwiis: Shocking, I know, but I have taken over as host for the rest of the season, and Aqua will be my assistant. Awesome, right? Heo: But….. You’re dead! We saw you get slaughtered over at Rimie’s castle. Unless….. Santo Cielo! Es un zombi! Carrera! Chip: What did he just say? Fiz: Sorry, I dont speak beaner. Meta: I think he said something about zombies. Ally: ZOMG! Zombies!? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (The contestants go into panic mode and start running around in circles) Chwiis: Ugh, I had a feeling it was gonna start out complicated. Aqua, shoot it. Aqua: *shoots gun into air, stopping the contestants dead in their tracks) Chwiis: Alright, now that I have everyone’s attention. It’s challenge time, negro’s! Chip: You still havent explained why you’re still alive. Chwiis: An ogre never dies, m9. My ridiculously oversized shaft was able to automatically heal myself. Grass: That still doesn’t explain how you got out here and took over. Chwiis: Well, lets just say I was able to get some special favors. ;) Heo: Where is Ambrose and Reigns? Chwiis: Who? Aqua: He means those two wrestler guys. Chwiis: Oh, yeah, them. They, uh, went on vacation. Meta: …. Chwiis: Anyways, before we get carried away, time to explain the challenge. You see, you’re all gonna run out into the woods and hide. After 5 minutes, Aqua and I will go on a manhunt and try to track you all down one-by-one. When I see you, i’ll shoot you with THIS tranquilizer gun, kidnap you and put you in a pile. The last person standing, wins immunity. Sounds easy, no? Fiz: Liek, I have a question- Chwiis: Ok good, Aqua, start the engine. On your marks… Get set….. DINGO! Contestants: ….. Chwiis: That means “Go!” you Americans. (The eight contestants run out into the woods as Chwiis and Aqua get out their KKK ghost masks and put them on) Chwiis: It’s a good thing Rocker ain’t here anymore, or else this woulda been pretty ugly. Aqua: Indeed. (Aqua drives the Jeep out into the woods as Chwiis gets out the rifle) (We cut to Heo, Grass, and Meta hiding out in the same spot) Grass: Ok, I think we lost them. Meta: So who do we vote for? Grass: Thats what I gathered you guys out here for. I was thinking if we can get Dark to convince Toast to vote with us, we’ll have majority. Which brings us down to three choices: Ally, Chip, and Fiz. Whoever we vote out first, the other two can follow shortly after. Heo: I was thinking maybe Chip, Im not so sure about him. I could go for Fiz too. Grass: Sounds like someone is protecting dat Ally ass. Heo: Sthu! >.> Grass: Fine, Chip or Fiz it is. We’ll base our final decision on whoever wins immunity. Meta: Yeah, hopefully it’s one of us and not them- Chwiis: *pops out from bushes* SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKA’S! ALLULULULULULULU! Grass: Fuck! Meta: Lets get out of here! (Grass and Meta jolt while Heo, on his knees, decides to pray to Chwiis) Heo: God, Por favor, ayúdame a sobrevivir esta dolorosa aventura. gracias! Chwiis: ……. *shoots Heo with tranquilizer gun* Heo: *passes out* Chwiis: Thats one down, seven to go. (Meanwhile, Aqua is seen driving the Jeep close to where Grass and Meta are running) Aqua: I see you, hoes! (Chwiis magically reappears in the back of the Jeep) Chwiis: Hola, mates! Meta: WTF! Where did he come from!? Grass: I don’t know, but- OW! Oh fuck! My back! I think I just cracked my back! *falls* Go on without me, Meta! Meta: Ok, see ya! *runs off* (Chwiis gets out of the jeep and slowly approaches Grass with the gun) Chwiis: Looks like it’s all ogre for you, m9. Any last words? Grass: Yeah, I’d just like to say I had no idea that boy was only 17, honest to God man. Aqua: Um…. Okay then…. Chwiis: *shoots Grass and throws him into back of Jeep with lifeless Heo* Aqua: I love our new job. Chwiis: Ikr. (We cut to Toast hiding inside of a cabin, as he hears some noises from outside) Toast: Who goes there!? I have a broom and Im not afraid to use it Fiz: *walks in* Relax, it just me. I wanted to talk to you about something. Toast: Please no ghey ass Survivor talk. Fiz: Has it ever occured to you that Meta is the most threatening guy left? Everybody likes him, he hasnt pissed a single soul, and if he slides to the end, no one will say no to giving him a million dollars. Toast: Hmm….. I don’t know… Fiz: I hear he only eats Toaster Strudels for breakfast. Toast: Oh Hell nah! He is going down! ---- Fiz: *In Confessional* If all goes well, this could be my first #Blindside and the biggest move of the season! ---- (Chwiis and Aqua’s Jeep comes crashing through the abandoned cabin) Aqua: Surprise, motherfuckers! Kween Aqua is here to #SlayDemHoes! Toast: Oh shit! (Fiz instinctively shoves Toast in front of him while he runs away) Fiz: Sorry, not sorry. Toast: Fuck! *gets shot by Chwiis* Chwiis: That’s point three for the Ogrelord! (We cut to Chip and Ally walking through the woods) Chip: Ok Ally, if we’re really quiet, we can be like stealth mode ninja’s and win this challenge easily. so be sure to shut the- (Chwiis pops up from behind a tree wearing camouflage) Chwiis: *shoots Ally and Chip* Check, m8! Ally and Chip: LOL! *passes out* Aqua: Damn Chwiis, we are slaying dese hoes left and right! Chwiis: Tf you mean “We”? Aqua: Bish. Chwiis: you know you love me. ;) Aqua: Sorry, I dont date ogres. Chwiis: Thats what they all say before they get a taste. You can even ask Rocky *winks at camera* (Dark is seen walking up to the Jeep) Chwiis: Halt! What are you doing here? Shouldnt you be running away, hiding from us? Dark: I would, but I’m too Max Goof to run and hide. Just shoot me already. Chwiis: Um, ok then….. *shoots Dark* Aqua: Two left. Fiz and Meta. Chwiis: Yep. (We cut to Meta walking around a hill area) Meta: I think I’m safe….. *hears noise* Who goes there!? reveal yourself! Fiz: *comes out* It just me. I think me and you are only two left. Meta: That may be true. But I still dont trust you. I know how you are, Fiz. Fiz: But I am innocent. It’s truwe. Meta: Tell it to the court. Fiz: I would, but if the court finds out that I have tons of marijuana in my house and that I am half-beaner, they will execute me on the spot. (Aqua and Chwiis’s jeep comes out of nowhere and flashes the headlights onto Fiz and Meta) Aqua: Found you! Chwiis: Which one should I shoot first? Aqua: Fiz, he was a manipulative troll in Hurt N’ Heal. Chwiis: Alright, goodnight, Fiz. *shoots gun at Fiz* Fiz: *Gods and uses asscheeks to deflect tranquilizer, causing it to hit Meta instead* Meta: *passes out* Chwiis: Welp, that didn’t really go as expected. Nonetheless, Fiz wins first individual immunity! Fiz: Yay! Aqua: K. Chwiis: Meet me at the elimination ceremony tomorrow night, m9’s! ---- Ally: *In Confessional* So liek, as much as I hate Heo, Chip and Fiz came up with this cool idea to convince Heo to vote with us. It took some time, but I think we managed. Grass: *In Confessional* Sorry Chip, but it seems your days here are outnumbered. Asta la vista. ---- (Elimination Ceremony- Night 24) Chwiis: Alright Jews, behind each and every one of you is a torch, grab one and dip it into the campfire and place it behind you and sit down. (The contestants do so and sit down) Grass: Wait a minute, why does this feel so much like, I dont know… Survivor!? Fiz: Cus it is like Survivor? Chwiis: Yeah, um about that. You see, when I was able to sneak onto the island, Aqua and I needed some help from a certain previously-voted-out contestant. And we made an agreement with this person that the only way they would help us is if for this one episode we have the elimination be just like Survivor. Ally: RJ <333 Heo: Wow, of course. Chwiis: Don’t worry though, it’s just for this one episode. After this it’s back to the catapult. Now, time for me to ask some questions, shall we? Chwiis: Grass, how old are you? Grass: Old enough to have had some fun time with your prisoner ancestors. Chwiis: Sounds kinky. Okay, next up: Fiz, how does winning immunity feel? Fiz: It feels great. Had I not won I have a huge feeling i was gonna go home tonight. Also, tonight we are celebrating via Selena Gomez music and orange juice! Chwiis: Sounds a bit Jewish, but nonetheless congratulations! Alright, Heo, my question for you is: What is your legal status currently like in the US? Heo: I am a legally born American. Chwiis: LOL you had me there for a second. But really, which country sent you? Mexico? Argentina? Colombia? France? Heo: I told you, I am Honduran-American, esse! Chwiis: Woah buddy calm down, no need to get out the knives and shiz. Grass: Yeah Heo, don’t be dirty now. Heo: :( Chwiis: Toast, if I were to legalize different-bread marriage, would you elect me as President? Toast: Only if it’s not Pumpernickel, then yes! Chwiis: Ally, how does it feel being the only girl out here? Uncomfortable? Safer? Etc. Ally: Wait, YOU’RE A BOY!? Contestants: *laugh* Chwiis: OH….. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUUUMMM!!!!!! Anyways…. Meta, what exactly are you? Meta: I am whatever you want me to be. Chwiis: Ah, nice nice…… Chip, how confident are you right now? Chip: Confident enough to say that I’m winning. Chwiis: That’s a bold statement. Chip: Well I am a VERY bold person. Chwiis: And last but not least, Dark: Are you ever too Max Goof to get voted out? Dark: Yep. B) Chwiis: Alright, and with that, it is time to vote. Heo, you’re up. (The contestants one by one walk up to a voting booth and cast their votes as ancient voices music is played in the background) ---- Chip: *In Voting Confessional, holding vote for Meta* Looks like it’s either you or me, pal. And quite frankly, I’m not ready to leave here yet. Good luck. Grass: *In Voting Confessional, holding vote for Chip* Just like your reign as Admin, your time here in Tuvalu, has come to an unprecedented end. Thank you, come again. ---- (The contestants finish voting) Chwiis: I will go tally the votes (Chwiis leaves then comes back with a golden jar) Chwiis: Alright, I have a KKK meeting at 11 PM tonight so I’ll make this quick. Once the votes are read, the decision is final, person voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I’ll read the votes. First vote….. Chip. One vote Chip. Meta. One vote Chip. One vote Meta. Meta. Thats two votes Meta, one vote Chip. Chip. Thats two votes Chip, two votes Meta. Chip. Thats three votes Chip, two votes Meta. Meta. Thats three votes Meta, three votes Chip. Toast. That’s Three votes Chip, three votes Meta, one vote Toast. One vote left…. Eighth person voted out of Balls of Steel…….. *reveals vote* Meta. That’s four votes Meta, thats enough. Gonna need you to bring me your torch. m8. Meta: Good luck guys. *brings torch up to Chwiis* Grass: WTF just happened? Heo: Uh yeah, about that one vote for Toast…. Hehe…. Grass: Oh wow…. Chwiis: Meta, the tribe has spoken. *snuffs torch* Time for you to go. (Meta leaves the area, head down in shame as sad dramatic music plays) Chwiis: Welp, that sure was a crazy vote. What does this mean for the future? Grab your stuff and head back to camp. Goodnight. (The contestants head back to camp as the episode comes to a close) (End) (Preview for Episode 9 plays) “Next time on Balls of Steel……” “Grass is extremely pissed at Heo’s fuck up, and a war ensues” Grass: I am just done with Heo’s dumbass now. He’s going down! “Meanwhile. Fiz starts to get a little cocky” Fiz: *eating fruit while sunbathing* I am in good position I think. “It all happens next week on Balls of Steel: Episode 9: Twerk-Or-Treat”